In response to the recent influx of crime in the Charles Village area, along with outcry from parents and College Republicans, the JHU Office of Campus Security has decided to implement a cutting-edge, new policy. Starting later this month, all Hop Cops will be issued a bunch of guns – colored neon yellow for extra safety.

Students have noted how the university only prepares Hop Cops to be a false sense of security. One group of juniors was recently mugged on the 29th block of Calvert, when a security vehicle pulled up to the scene.  Among them was Dave Stevens who said, “Yeah they asked us if we had been drinking that night – which we were – and then just drove away. I got my j-card stolen, that thing is like 125 dining dollars to replace.”

Another disgruntled student, freshman Sarah Robertson, recalled an incident on her floor in Willard Hall. “These two dudes came back pretty trashed and started fighting. The first Hop Cop didn’t know what to do, so he called another Hop Cop. That guy was told to call a different Hop Cop, who called HERU, who called another Hop Cop. Eventually the two dudes got bored and everyone went home… so I guess it wasn’t all that bad?”

These incidents proved to the administration that the only solution is more firepower. We interviewed the Director of the Office of Campus Security, whose eyes lit up when we mentioned the word “gun”. “Just imagine it,” he said, “Hop Cops kicking down fraternity doors, breaking up parties at gunpoint. No more hospital visits for the freshman. We know the students have always respected Hop Cops, but NOBODY is going to fuck with them once they start flashing their new pieces.” The administration, in order to appease the calls from parents that their little angels are “going to die”, has even hinted at expanding the program. “If this works, we’re going to arm the RAs, FFC staff, maybe even tie some extras to the Blue Lights.”

Not everyone is so on board with half of campus packing heat. Some students have voiced concerns because, you know, they’re guns. We asked the Director of the Office of Campus Security about the potentially dangerous ramifications of giving guns to Hop Cops. “Well to be honest,” he said, “we clearly don’t know what the fuck we’re doing, so this can’t be much worse, right?”