How President Daniels will Cope with being #11

The U.S. News & World Report has released its 2018 rankings for top colleges and universities. With great surprise, Johns Hopkins was removed from the graces of the coveted “Top 10”. After hearing the unfortunate news, President Daniels has gone into a deep spiral of depression and has started giving himself daily pick-me-ups to get through these troubling times. Here’s what we can expect him to say over the next 20 days:

  1. “At least we’re the top fifteen– that’s what’s really important”
  2. “We’re essentially number one twice”
  3. “It’s okay– we went up in the British ranking. They’re on the metric system so it means more”
  4. “Rankings don’t matter…” *silent tear*
  5. “The real scale of greatness actually goes up to eleven.”
  6. “Eleven is the best Stranger Things character, so we must be the best university… right?”
  7. “This is exclusively because Ms. Gladys left.”
  8. “Maybe if Papi Bloomberg buys me another building in the woods, this will all go away”
  9. “I’m still top ten in Mommy D’s heart”
  10. “Eleven must be the best number, otherwise I wouldn’t have been born with that many fingers”
  11. “If those damn kids weren’t on the meme page all the time, maybe we’d still be number ten”
  12. “Maybe if I made 4 million dollars instead of 3, I’d really be able to fix this place up!”
  13. “Cornell and Brown were my real competition all along anyway”
  14. “If I changed our name to AAAAJohns Hopkins we would have beaten Dartmoth on the list!”
  15. “I can’t believe we did all this construction for nothing!”
  16. “It’s not your ranking, it’s how you use it”
  17. “Maybe if I gentrified some more of Remmington I’d feel better :(“
  18. “At least the FFC is still ranked #2”
  19. “I have to start seven more task forces IMMEDIATELY!”
  20. “I sure wish the US News and World Report covered their grades”

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