SAC Fair: Hopkins’ Criminal Underbelly

The Johns Hopkins SAC Fair: a seemingly idyllic and peaceful arena for students to find the activities that mean the most to them – or look the best on their med school applications.  It’s a timeless tradition marked by the tears of a capella rejects and anyone who’s ever won a participation trophy.  It’s the definition of a wholesome college experience… OR IS IT???  

The Black and Blue Jay has delved deep undercover into the secret, lascivious world of student-run organizations.  We dressed up an unsuspecting freshman as an overachieving, eager freshman and had her sign up for every single club.  When, three days later, she staggered back into the Black and Blue Jay office, her fake moustache was in tatters and her lanyard askew.  We were able to decipher her manic ramblings and cuneiform engravings.

She had the following to report:

Among the most shocking was the revelation that HERO, the Hopkins Emergency Response Organization, has been trafficking kidneys stolen from each of their incapacitated victims.  We also learned that snow isn’t the Ski Club’s favorite powdery white substance after all.  This isn’t surprising since it’s actually a front for the Baltimore wing of the Cali Cartel.  It turns out A Place to Talk should actually be renamed A Place Not to Talk, because our undercover freshman discovered that it’s a campus-wide fight club.  Even more startling was the revelation that President Donald Trump has been using the cut-throat dealmakers on the Model UN team to sell weapons to North Korea.  Oh, that’ll show ‘em.

Our inside woman found Steve Bannon lazily slumped in front of the Newsletter booth screeching at everyone who walked by…in case you were wondering what he’s been up to these days.  Even the members Habitat for Humanity have become the new stars of HGTV’s Flip or Flop… and if you don’t think that’s a crime you need to reevaluate your morals. #PropertyBrothers

The list goes on.  The Stress Busters use their puppies for dog fighting, the Finance Club has been embezzling from all of us, and the JHU College Republicans are really a front for regular Republicans.  Truly appalling.  And in case you were wondering why the Black and Blue Jay also had a booth at the SAC Fair, all we have to say is that we’re totally not up to anything sketchy like being a joint subsidiary of Brietbart and FOX News.  We promise

 

Reminder: we have our first meeting tonight at 8:30 in Mattin 162. All are welcome.

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