Hopkins Releases Profound Statement on Henrietta Lacks, Makes It All Better

The university recently released a statement concerning Henrietta Lacks and her importance to the medical community in light of an upcoming film about her life.  We’ve decided to include the important quotes here.

“After decades of negotiating this important and nuanced issue, we the administration are finally ready to announce that we truly do not give a shit about Henrietta Lacks or the impact we had on her family,” said university official Martin Chrysler. “We don’t care. We have never cared. We would do the same thing again in a heartbeat, if not only to get you guys to start talking about something else. Goddamn.”

“For years we have been apologizing for our basically fine actions, and today is the day it stops,” announced Ron Daniels, cry-typing into his Blackberry at 4 am. “I just hired one whole genuine black professor for tenure, I mean… what more… do you people WANT FROM ME?” Witnesses reported mascara ran down his cheeks as he sobbed into his Chunky Monkey, his toupee slightly askew.

It has long been suspected that Johns Hopkins Hospital, the university, and its affiliates don’t give even HALF of a shit about the serious ethical dilemmas inherent in stealing the cells out of an unknowing, innocent woman’s literal dying body. But it’s fine! Because now Daniels has finally admitted: “We were right, and we’ve been right all along.” At least we think it was an admission.

“It’s difficult to overstate how little we care about this woman,” said university spokeswoman Maria Carmen. “With all the time and energy we spend trying to make you little bitches shut up about this whole ‘Henrietta Lacks thing,’ as we call it, we could have made even MORE money off those goddamned HeLa cells — I mean, helped others medicinally through those goddamned HeLa cells.”  

Literally 2% of all faculty across the whole university and its subsidiaries are black.  And that’s the only non-joke in this whole article. Good job, Johns Hopkins. (proof: http://web.jhu.edu/administration/provost/reports_resources/Faculty%20Composition.Final.pdf)
If you actually give a shit… they’re screening it April 24th.  http://hub.jhu.edu/events/2017/04/24/henrietta-lacks-film-screening/


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