Lacrosse Player Sprains Ankle, Is Taken Behind Shed with Shotgun

Eyewitnesses report that on Thursday afternoon, a normal lacrosse practice went awry when defender Mike Staleone fell badly after getting spooked by a shadow, spraining his ankle.

As Staleone lay on the ground clutching his ankle, Head Coach Pizzamalta asked the pre-med athletic trainer, “Give it to me straight, Dr. Nerd, how bad is it?”

She replied, “I’m sorry sir, but his ankle… it’s sprained.”

Many gasps and cries were heard as Pizzamalta crossed himself before sending one of the players to fetch Jay the Blue Jay. Turning to Staleone and stroking his flowing brown mane, he said, “It’s gonna be alright, Staleone. It won’t hurt for long, okay?” Staleone nodded despite his suffering and smiled happily.

The Blue Jay, shrouded in fog and a black cloak, appeared as the sun began to set and helped Staleone to his feet using a rusty shovel. The two headed toward the old shed outside the field. Staleone waved to his tearful teammates before walking out of sight  behind the shed, just as Jay picked up a shotgun leaning on its wall. A single shot was heard, followed by three additional shots.

Pizzamalta has begun looking into prospective players to help him replace his most valued Staleone, who was the swiftest beast ever to bear the Hopkins lacrosse brand.

In totally unrelated news, Barnes and Noble is now offering a 50% discount on all glue products.

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