The Brand New ‘Lonely Hearts’ Hopkins Challenge

Certain unspoken “must-dos” before graduating good ol’ Hop require a significant other. So for those of us, the true sufferers, we suffer even further. The BNBJ has created a fun and realistic alternative challenge for you to do all by your lonesome, because that’s who you love the most. Do this romantic challenge all by yourself for Valentine’s Day this Tuesday!

  1. Eat a pint of ice cream without a spoon alone in the Gilman Clock Tower.  Leave behind the empty carton and wipe your mouth on your sleeves.
  2. Go to the steam tunnels with your crush and have him/her tell you, “You’re such an amazing friend.” After he/she leaves, proceed to cry for 20 minutes, alternating weeping and sobbing.
  3. Masturbate on the President’s Lawn to Facebook pictures of your ex. Lie there, in your own tears, fluids, and self-loathing for at least half an hour afterwards.
  4. Cry noisily during the final scene of Love Actually while on D-Level.  When people stare at you, loudly scream, “WHAT!?!?” Don’t forget the crazy eyes.
  5. Discard your tired, worn-out vibrator on the beach.  Hopefully it will freak out a happy couple trying to complete the more traditional Hopkins Challenge.
  6. Nurse a sack of Franzia white wine on the lacrosse field. Sob, saying, “You know what, Evan??? I didn’t want to fuck you, either!”
  7. Repress your burgeoning feelings for a close friend by doing your Intro to Public Health homework on the Shriver stage while eating a LeanCuisine™️️ and dropping most of it on your clothes.  Might as well get two weeks ahead.
  8. Take your stupid broken heart and come to the Black and Blue Jay meeting on Tuesday at 8:30pm in Mattin 162. Or don’t. Whatever. Nothing matters.

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