13 New Restaurants Coming To 9 East!

 

  1. Essénce: a microbrewery that ferments kale in a compost pile and blends it with a grinder run by a sweating, yelling man on a stationary bicycle.

  2. Tasty: a restaurant that exclusively serves food made in Buzzfeed videos on Facebook.
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  3. Galatians: coffee grown specifically by serfs in remote mountains of a country you can’t pronounce – the poverty makes it taste better.

  4. Valencia: a sushi restaurant that charges an extra $16 premium for every instagram picture you take of your food.

  5. T: a bring-your-own-mug teahouse. You also need to bring your own tea, and hot water is not provided. You are, however, welcome to bring a kettle pre-filled with water and your own tables and chairs.

  6. Soul Garden: Grow your own salad! Spend 10 months in this state of the art urban plantation. You LITERALLY can’t leave until you have grown and eaten all the ingredients for your salad.

  7. Nightly Grind: a new latte shop featuring erotic milk-foam art. 18+ only.

  8. Applebee’s

  9. Crumbucha: a bakery featuring the signature Crumbucha™, a mason jar of kombucha crafted entirely out of croissant dough.

  10. Fruit of The Whom: a juice bar that assigns someone to you the minute you walk in to follow you around and correct any grammatical mistakes you make while inside.

  11. Barfait: a new fusion trattoria that combines the cuisines of Malaysia and your single uncle’s fridge.

  12. Jumping Jack’s: a new bar that’s only accessible if you take a running leap over the deli counter at Eddie’s and sprint into the secret back room before any of the employees catch you. It’s like Platform 9¾, but with more pain.

  13. Seacrest: a seafood restaurant that exclusively serves fish who were gay when they were alive.

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