Children at Spring Fair Blissfully Unaware of Drunken Debauchery Surrounding Them

This last weekend, Hopkins students enjoyed the one fun thing they allow themselves to do every year, Spring Fair. The annual event offers activities for students as well as families from the community. Many children were on campus, unaware that while Hopkins students were eating chicken-on-stick, pretending to like their friend’s bands, or fooling themselves into thinking they have the body to walk around shirtless, they were, in fact, intoxicated.

“I had a lot of fun seeing the animals in the petting zoo,” said second-grader Millie Rawls, “but this one guy was hogging the goat, petting it and whispering that it was his soulmate.”

Other children’s activities included children’s musicians and face-painting, provided by students. “I asked for a butterfly and he painted this weird elephant,” said fourth-grader Timothy Green, “Or maybe it’s a rocket ship.”

Some of the children were more observant than others. “One of the big kids talked to my mom really close to her face,” said kindergartner Samantha Lyle, “and he smelled like mommy’s happy juice.”

Overall, most people had tons of fun over the weekend, with only a few exceptions. “Some people were mean to me, I spit up on my shirt, and I didn’t get to play in the bouncy house,” said fourteenth-grader Bentley Fairchild, “and I want my mommy.”

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