Nationally and internationally recognized inventors and researchers who will choose to go to higher ranked schools, globally ranked video gamers, authors and journalists published on the Odyssey Online, and a few losers who are boring as shit are among the 2,539 students Johns Hopkins University has admitted to the Class of 2020. These students join the 559 future Blue Jays who already regret their choice of Early Decision.
At least 30 students have actually expressed excitement about going to Hopkins. “So happy to announce that I will be attending John Hopkin next year! #EmbraceTheS” tweeted incoming freshman Mallory Wallace.
John Cassis was also excited about his admission, saying he had “already staked out a spot in D Level” to spend the next four years studying and hiding food from security.
Many admitted students are resigned to their fate, like Kelsie Teller who said, “I guess Hopkins saw something in me that Stanford, UChicago, MIT, Duke, and every Ivy League did not. Even Cornell rejected me. I’m not bitter about it at all.”
Disappointed members of the Class of 2020 will find solace during home lacrosse games by yelling ‘safety school’ at opposing teams, including Michigan, Loyola, and Princeton, where the future JHU students “didn’t want to go anyway.”
The incoming class will have a chance to bond with a shared experience by reading the memoir I wanted to go to state school but my parents wouldn’t let me drink my life away by esteemed author, Hopkins freshman Blake Wilson.
Come fall 2016 the new students will arrive on campus full of wonder, hope, and entitlement, and probably wearing college sweaters from all the colleges they didn’t get into.