“Students have been complaining about how disappointing Lighting of the Quads has been in the past few years, so I’ve been working to make this the most turnt administration-sponsored event of the year,” said Ron Daniels. “It’s finna get lit.”

“The fireworks are going to be so loud this year that they’ll be audible from D-level. Everyone studying there would normally try to dig to create a deeper, quieter level, but they won’t do that tonight,” said Dean of Student Life Terry Martinez. “Because we’re hotboxing D-level.”

The fireworks show will be preceded by a concert featuring performances by JHU’s best acapella groups featuring Pitbull, a MICA grad student performance art piece which will feature fire swallowing and stomping on the Gilman seal, and a Hopkins Insane Clown Posse tribute group, the Jay-ggulos, which has a combined 12 felonies between its two members.

The event will end at 9:30 PM, allowing students to go to the Lighting of the Quads After Party at Beta, which will feature We the Kings as “celebrity” guests. The event will be shut down at 10:30 with the arrival of HopCops. Daniels commented, “Lit, but not too lit.”