Sophomore Protesting Hopkins Dining for Not Providing No-Carb Gluten-Free Vegan Fair-Trade Paleo Organic Dining Options

Following a summer yoga retreat, sophomore Brent Wilton has started protesting Hopkins Dining for not providing food that meets his ethical standards. Wilton stated, “I can’t eat just anything. I’m on a no-carb gluten-free vegan fair-trade paleo caffeine-free sugar-free fat-free taste-free organic locally-sourced cleanse diet.”

He continued: “Every morning after yoga, I have a spinach and quinoa smoothie made with chunks of plywood added in for fiber, and for lunch I have a mass of soy protein sourced from an ethically grown hydroponic soybean field tended by middle aged alcoholics on the path to recovery.”

“I’ve found this really cleansing for, like, not only my colon, but also my chakras,” said Wilton. “You’d be amazed how much you feel like a different person after only consuming Himalayan pink salt dissolved in organic low-cal glacier water for a week.”

Hopkins Dining chair Wes Quartermain ignored Wilton’s protest, referring to him as a “hippie who would have never made it in ‘Nam.” Wilton remains defiant. “I mean, I don’t think I’m being demanding. I just want to CharMar to stock artisanal lemon infused cruelty-free spring water.” Sighing, he added, “The drive on my biodiesel powered mini scooter to Whole Foods is really far.”

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