Freshman Alexa Sherman had a very big day on September 4th when the Student Involvement Fair rolled through the Rec Center. She arrived early and stayed late, signing up for every student club available. “I had been waiting for this day since I moved in,” Sherman said. “I’d read about our hundreds of clubs and I knew I needed to be a part of every last one.”

“Technically, yes, she is the most involved student at JHU,” said John Hart, the overseer of student-run clubs and residential life at Hopkins. “Bit of a kiss-ass if you ask me, though. That’s off the record, right?”

There was some controversy as Sherman signed up for clubs that directly opposed each other, for example, “Voices for Life” and “Voices for Choice.” The president of Voices for Choice, Mark Anderson, said on the matter, “I have to support her. I mean she is joining every club and that’s her choice. She’s even joining the bodybuilding club, which is odd for such a small girl but I can’t tell her what to do with her body.”

Sherman joined exactly 304 different organizations, which is every club offered except for the Equestrian Club. When asked why she didn’t join said club, Sherman simply said, “Screw horses.”

When asked in a poll if Sherman was “Most Popular,” students leaving MSE instead voted her “Most Likely to Have a Mental Breakdown,” “Biggest Nuisance,” and “Most Showing-Off for Smallest Actual Accomplishments.”

“To be perfectly frank with you,” John Hart added, “Alexa is the epitome of everything that is wrong with this generation.”

“I feel greatly honored to be the most beloved student here,” Sherman said. “And I’m only a freshman! Who would’ve thunk?”