Calling the scene one of outright horror, ASPCA agents conducted a late-night raid of a Charles Commons dorm that saw the rescue of a neglected, abused, and severely dehydrated Keurig coffee maker from its abusive owner, sophomore Rob Zimmer.
“It was one of the most disturbing sights I’ve come across in twenty five years as a rescue worker,” said ASPCA worker Jane Cahill as she rocked the coffee maker gently on her lap. “There was the owner, enjoying his day while this pooooor widdle guuuuy here is just being ignored and forgotten.”
Cahill continued, “But at least when that sicko owner was ignoring Keury he wasn’t heartlessly demanding coffee, tea, cocoa, and the whole assortment of delicious hot beverages this precious little Keur-Bear can prepare without even letting Keu-Keu have anything to drink himself.”
Reports indicate that the water level in the machine was almost empty when rescue workers arrived and had not been filled in almost a week. Appliance rights advocate Ben Herrmann commented, “People like Rob Zimmer have no place in society. They should be treated the way they treat their China-made kitchen and bathroom equipment. See how they like going weeks without being washed or left to sit in their own fresh Colombian grounds.”
In addition to withholding water from the Keurig and forcing it into labor as his own personal barista, Zimmer is reported to have further abused it by frequently filling its tank with seltzer in an attempt to produce “sparkling coffee,” an act which Cahill decried as “cruel and twisted.” There is also evidence indicating that Zimmer forced the Keurig to service him sexually, which Cahill described as, “not as weird as the seltzer thing, but, yeah, still not great.”
The Keurig is being moved to a recovery center for small appliances in need of therapy. It will then hopefully be adopted by a family willing and able to provide for its maintenance, a family eager to enjoy the deep companionship and convenience a household coffee maker has to offer. At press time, the Keurig had made some progress in its recovery, though it did start beeping uncontrollably whenever it saw a man of Zimmer’s height and build.
When reached for a comment, Zimmer told reporters, “Why am I such a bad guy here? That Keurig is my property, and I can do what I want with it. It doesn’t have a soul, and it can’t feel pain.”