It might take an infinite amount of monkeys on an infinite amount of typewriters and an infinite amount of time to write a great novel, but it only took one chimpanzee a semester to get an A in IFP.
Julie Banánaá, a Writing Seminars teaching assistant, was shocked to learn yesterday that the best student in her spring section of Introduction to Fiction and Poetry was, in fact, an ape. The instructor was walking in the Gilman Quad when she saw her former “student” screeching and swinging from branches, naked and hairy.
“This is so embarrassing,” Banánaá said. “I gave him an ‘A’ and everything. His imagery was so vivid – it was almost like I was there in the jungles of the Congo. Sure, I was wondering about his furry face, but he was wearing clothes at the time, like pants and everything, and you know, I didn’t want to offend him in case he was foreign or something.”
John-John Johnson III, an engineering student in the same section as the talented chimp, laughed when he heard the news.
“I got a ‘B,’ but I mean the class was a joke, right? I guess this proves that Julie didn’t even know what she was talking about. I mean, Ed – that was what he was called, Ed Monkay – was a good writer, but I didn’t think his poem about picking bugs off of a lover was any better than my ode to carbon fiber.”
When asked how she could possibly give a chimpanzee a higher grade than an actual human, Banánaá had commented, “I’m telling you, I thought he was a freshman! Oh, God… everyone is going to think I’m a joke. I mean, at first, I thought his first story was just a random jumble of letters with weird stains on the paper, but after reading it a second time, it struck me as a noble outline of the futility of the human spirit…”
At this point, the TA abruptly stopped her rambling, misguided interpretations of the ape’s literary endeavors and walked away shaking her head.
This reporter tried to interview the chimp in question but was unable, as the monkey bombarded him with feces.