Sorority Sister’s Big Actually Deranged Stalker Who Kidnapped and Captured Real Big

An arrest made at sorority reveal recently has been made public. Fifty-year-old Michael Schmidt has been charged with stalking new sorority sister Kaitlyn Kennedy by pretending to be her Big after kidnapping her real Big.

“I knew something was up with the old guy who spontaneously joined the acapella group who serenaded me, but I guess I know who that is now,” said Kennedy. “I was also a little weirded out when my ‘Big’ cut off some of my hair when I was sleeping and left me a note saying she wanted to wear my skin.”

Further evidence of Kennedy’s stalker was found in various pictures of Kennedy out in public and in the privacy of her own dorm, posted under the fake Big Facebook account “Mylilkaitlyn Iamalwayswatchingyou.”

“Reveal was certainly surprising – I thought only one member of our sorority looked like a 50-year-old man with a moustache, so when there was a second one, you can imagine how confusing it was for everyone,” said Kennedy. “But when he lifted a chloroform rag to my face, my whole secret week started to make more sense.”

After reveal, Kennedy still expressed some relief.

“Honestly, I’m just relieved that my big isn’t Natalie Pollack,” said Kennedy. “She’s fucking crazy.”

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