Last Thursday, the Johns Hopkins Equestrian Team reportedly learned of the existence of the Merrick Barn on the Homewood Campus. Custodial staff the next morning found the Barn’s stage covered in horseshit. When asked about this, a particularly cynical theater professor reported that he couldn’t tell the difference between the piles and piles of poop and his introductory acting class.
The Merrick Barn is home to Hopkins’ Undergraduate Program in Theatre Arts and Studies, but for some reason the equestrian team had never heard of it, or the theatre program, until last week. Rachel Von Noodleburg, a member of the team, stumbled out of Brody after a cram session and saw a familiar structure.
“I was in the middle of complaining to my friend that I wished I could ride horses as well as Hopkins professors ride my ass, when I looked up and saw a building that very much resembled a barn,” she said.
It was, in fact, a barn.
Von Noodleburg proceeded to run inside and marveled at what she saw.
“I was surprised to find that there was a stage where the stables should be and not even a single bale of hay… not a single bale.” The equestrian called her teammates, who quickly rectified the hay-less and horse-less situation.
Based on the extreme coverage of equine waste on the stage, it is thought that the team brought an entire herd into the barn, or possibly one poor horse that ate at the FFC one too many times. Yet, the team was unrepentant.
“Why does the theatre program need a barn? Barns are for animals, not actors,” Von Noodleburg stated. When asked what the proper place for actors was, she shrugged and walked away, but not before she could be heard mumbling something about a “closet.”
During this spectacle, despite seeing horses cooking up a warm pot of anal stew, the theatre students were rather blasé about everything. One student commented, “I just thought it was a really honest version of Equus. Honestly, I was just waiting for everyone to get naked.”