After a long and sunny break, three Hopkins juniors are back on campus, disappointed to not have been kidnapped on their week-long sojourn in Tijuana, Mexico. Ilyana Twopeat, Kylie McRogue, and Tristan Attlewood despair that their failure was not for lack of trying. Said Kylie,

“It was ridiculous, man. We did everything we could. Waved $100 bills as we walked around the streets. Went into donkey bars on a serious cocktail of mescaline and absinthe. But we were only treated with respect! They really are a wonderful people.”

The group recounts that this wasn’t their first spring foray into danger, as they’ve spent the past two mid-semester breaks BASE jumping and freediving with sharks off the coast of Cape Town. This trip, however, was their biggest let down.

“You should have seen how prepared we were,” recounted Attlewood, “In each of our checked bags was a machete, an RFID chip to track us, cyanide pills — you never know — and a cadre of DVDs.”

Ilyana expanded on the DVDs, noting how they were for research purposes.

“Seriously, we were sooo ready to get pulled by some Zetas. We had been seriously boning up on our Hollywood kidnapping literature. I’m talking “Red Dawn,” “Die Hard,” “Mighty Ducks.” The ultimate underdog stories.”

With classes now back in session, these thrill-seekers have returned to their normal pastime, eagerly avoiding studying in hopes of getting a pop quiz.