Eight Times I Wished I Was Don Daniels 

1. When I had to move houses due to complaints from the neighbors. The Pike bros would’ve gladly helped carrying the couches and beds.
2. When I had a hankering for some traditional Göbädiä after a long night spent screaming into the sky. If I was Don, my Crimean bros could’ve hooked me up with this delicious meat, rice, and dry cheese wedding pie despite the fact that I’m still single and alone.
3. When I talk to Pasternak. If she were my subordinate, it’d be easier to beg for mercy as she brutally fucked my GPA.
4. When I was short a few dollars at Denny’s at 3:00 AM on Tuesday. Don wouldn’t have had to fellate the manager to make up for it. But he probably would’ve anyway just because he’s such a bro.
5. When I wanted to write a biography of Edward Snowden. I kept messaging him over Google+ but he wouldn’t respond. I bet my bro Vlad P could’ve hooked me up with this brotha no problem.
6. When I needed to crush my enemies. My death stare didn’t work nearly as well and I ended up bursting a blood vessel in my eye.
7. When my package from Amazon was late. Control over the shipping hub of Crimea would’ve given me the power to demand a refund when my vintage wolf hair showed up 8 days later instead of the standard 5 to 7.
8. When I needed Canadian asylum to escape trumped up murder charges. Don wouldn’t have had to smuggle himself into the country submerged inside a delicious jar of Pure Canadian Maple Syrup. Or at the very least he would’ve had access to a larger jar, or maybe even a drum if he called in a few favors.

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