Student Sexiles Roommate, Actually Uses Room To Cry Alone

Thursday night, Becky McAddam came home to her AMR I dorm to find an empty box of tissues hanging from the doorknob. With Valentine’s Day fast approaching, Becky was excited that her roommate, Johanna Johnson, who is single, was starting to put herself out there.

“Honestly, I’m just so lucky that I have a great long distance boyfriend,” Becky added, completely unprompted. Mid-selfie, Becky reported that she heard a deep gasp followed by four sobs.

“At first I thought it might be one of those Cosmo tips, like rubbing coarse salt on a guys balls, but then I heard Adele’s music and I knew something wasn’t right.” Upon entering the room, Becky said she could barely recognize her roommate.

“Her groutfit was like, a level 10*, and she was double-fisting Chubby Hubby and Skinny Girl Vodka.”

After adding a picture of her sobbing roommate to her snap story, Becky left the room, claiming, “I wanted to respect her privacy, you know?”

Nineteen-year-old Johanna told The Black and Blue Jay that she had been single for as long as she could remember.

“I told my parents about a month ago that I was a single. It’s been hard for them. No parent wants that sort of life for their daughter.” Mr. and Mrs. Johnson said that they always kind of knew Johanna was different.

“When all her friends were developing crushes, she was picking up stray cats and bringing them home.” Johanna claims despite the difficulties of her lifestyle choice she is happy she has finally come out of her room.

“I think it’s been hardest for Becky actually,” Johanna said. “She was always bugging me to try Cosmo tips with her, something about tying balloons to my nipples. I tried to keep my singleness from her, but the night when she saw me in my groutfit, it was all over. She knew right away.”

That in mind, Johanna says that Becky is “a huge fucking bitch” and wishes she had gotten a single.

*light colored, matching grey sweat suit

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