Sources confirmed Monday that an acoustic Gibson guitar, recently placed in the corner of an AMR II dorm room, will go unmoved for the remainder of the spring semester. Rob Kroeger, a freshman who still believes he has the passion and free time to learn the instrument, seemed happy about his new decorative piece.
“Now that it’s up here, maybe I’ll finally find my sound,” said Rob, who has owned the guitar since Christmas of 2013 and never put any real effort into being a skilled musician. “I should try to find some guys to play in a band with me. I can make time to start playing this weekend. I can’t now, since I have an IFP paper due Thursday,” continued the terribly naive first year student. “Oh wait, but then there’s a lacrosse game on Saturday, plus that Calc problem set due Monday. So I guess I’ll play next we- shit, there’s a Chem exam that Wednesday. And I still have to finish House of Cards before the new season comes out…”
When reached for comment, the guitar couldn’t hide its fret as it came to terms with its fate. “I remember being made,” it reminisced, with what looked like teardrops on its wood. “So much care went into creating me. Such precision. But the day I got unwrapped by him… I knew I would never reach my full potential. He only learned to play “Wake Me Up When September Ends’ on me, and then told everyone he was a guitarist. The whole song is three notes. THREE NOTES!” Beginning to gently weep, the guitar went on, “I’m sorry… I’m just a bit plucky. I haven’t been tuned for like 2 years now. You can imagine the kind of, uh, frustration that comes with that.”
The guitar will undoubtedly collect dust in the corner of the room while Rob puts homework, drinking, intramural wallyball, FIFA, The Walking Dead graphic novels, drinking, BuzzFeed quizzes, a third re-watch of The Office, adding artwork to all of his albums on iTunes, and drinking ahead of practicing the art of music.
Update: Rob’s roommate Josh is reportedly “relieved beyond belief” at the breaking of this story.