Writing Sems Major Doesn’t Understand Google Fiber, Prefers Raisin Bran

The recent announcement that Google will bring its revolutionary Google Fiber service to four new cities, Atlanta, Charlotte, Nashville, and Raleigh-Durham, has elicited both excitement from those gaining access to it and ire from those in other cities who feel snubbed; but not everyone has shown interest in the development.

Sophomore Writing Seminars student Nick Teller doesn’t understand the hype surrounding the announcement and is frankly skeptical that it is a good thing. “My roommate has done nothing but complain about this Google Fiber thing since he learned he couldn’t get it in Baltimore,” remarked Teller, “but I don’t see what all the fuss is over. I told him he could share my Raisin Bran.”

Teller’s pantry is well stocked with family-sized boxes of various cereals, which Teller purchases at Safeway because he says their selection is better than Giant’s. “My favorite is double raisin, but I also have some Bran Flakes if it’s the raisins that are bothering him,” said Teller, pulling the box down from the shelves to observe the nutrition facts, “I had some problems with constipation when I was a kid, so I’ve always been careful about eating lots of fiber.”

It is possible to have too much fiber, however, Teller warns: “I’ve seen those parodies of the Activia commercials, and this Google Fiber is supposed to be 100 times more effective than its competitors. I really don’t want to see people pooping themselves halfway through class because they had a bowl of Google for breakfast.”

Teller’s roommate, sophomore Computer Science major John Chung, was reached for comment but only shrugged and said, “I just can’t tell whether [Teller] is fucking with me or not.”​

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