Dyslexic Student Decries Selma Screening as ‘Offensive to Witches’

It’s been reported that the recent Hopkins-sponsored screening of Selma was met with some very unexpected vitriol from a dyslexic student who decried the film as being ‘offensive to witches.’ The student, sophomore Timothy Wydercrank, was seen picketing near the buses that lined up to take students to the event. When questioned about why he took offense to such a lauded film, Wydercrank responded:

“It’s just crazy that in this day and age we can be so uncouth about the Salem Witch Trials. Look at all these people lining up to watch the suffering. SHEEP!”
Wydercrank’s adverse reaction to the movie was met with an adverse reaction by essentially everyone else on campus, calling the sophomore everything from ‘racist’ to ‘clearly just looking for something to be upset about.’ Said the student:

“I don’t see what’s so racist about honoring the legacy of the 28 innocents whose lives were ruined by the collective religious delirium of a New England town in the 1962. I mean 1692. Wait a minute. I may have made a huge mistake here.”

Finally realizing his error, Wydercrank attempted to make amends by attending the screening, converting his picket signs into signposts giving directions to the Charles Theater. Upon exiting the theater two hours later, the student was clearly won over by the Oscar-nominated flick.

“WOW was I off base before. Everyone should see this movie. And I thought those witches had it bad!”
Wydercrank continued to rave about the film, putting particular emphasis on David Oyelowo’s performance as ‘a revelation,’ as well as praising Paul Webb’s ‘thematically dense and structurally tight’ screenplay.

Hoping to further compensate for his mistake, Wydercrank took to social media to report how amazing Selma was, ending by saying that the film “better win Best Picture over Manbird.”

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