7-Eleven Gives Up, Announces a Future Date for Mass Looting

In the wake of the ninth commercial armed robbery to befall the West 28th Street 7-Eleven since late December, store owner Joe Thompson says he is willing to resort to the unconventional.

“We tried the usual things — rent-a-cops, earlier closing times, a large ‘Beware of Dog’ placard on the door. We even had a pot of boiling pitch above the door. But the robberies kept happening, and the pitch was too messy to keep cleaning up.”

Thompson hopes his solution, a community-wide free-for-all at midnight this Thursday, will help the local thugs to “you know, get it out of their systems.”

Advertised on flyers around the Remington neighborhood, the event is expected to attract hundreds of Baltimore’s aspiring felons. Some have even lined up outside the store, huddled with sleeping bags and hand-warmers, hoping to catch the best steals.

“I’m headed straight for the back,” confided one strategist. “Real money’s in all them prescription pills.”

The convenience mart has reportedly already removed the cases protecting the pricier razer blades and colognes, and the cigarettes have been moved from behind the cash register to a more accessible shelf near the exit.

Barton Security officer Randy Lopez says he appreciates the change of pace, adding that he will be after a particular box of glazed donuts he has had his eye on for a while now.

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