Citing JHU’s constant efforts to reduce its carbon footprint and its commitment to fostering a sustainable future, Johns Hopkins Officials announced this morning the university’s new policy of only accepting biodegradable students.
A university spokesperson told the press, “We at Johns Hopkins have always made the environment a priority. As such, we have decided we will now be requiring that all admitted students demonstrate both the ability and initiative to decompose and be eaten by worms after death. We think this can really help JHU have a positive impact on the environment.”
The new rule is expected to make Hopkins, already one of the most selective schools in the country, even harder to get in to. Local high school senior Danny Pierce expressed his disappointment. “Hopkins is my dream school. I’ve been working hard, getting good grades, doing my extracurriculars, and now I have to worry about this? It’s my senior year! I’ve had no time to practice dissolving into the earth after internment in the grave! Maybe if they had came out with this when I was a freshman I could have prepared for it… now I guess its either Towson or the navy…”
The policy is not retroactive, which comes as a relief to sophomore Travis Colson, who said he drank “waaaaaaay too much Mountain Dew” to safely pass any compostability inspection. “Honestly, I was lucky to get in without having to wonder whether or not my flesh would shrivel and fall off my drying bones like foul-smelling snow. That’s too much pressure for me.”
Some have complained, saying that the policy discriminates against students with alternative deathstyles. Martin Stackhouse of the NAACP (National Association for the Advancement of Cremated People), said, “My group believes that all people are disassociated equal, regardless of how they choose to dispose of their bodies after death. ” Rampant protests have triggered the university to modify the policy, allowing cremation on the condition that the furnace uses post-consumer fire. As yet, however, advocates for the Cryogenic Pride movement have been left out in the cold.
In addition to the new rule, starting next year all new freshman will be required
to take nine credits under the newly formed “rotting intensive” distribution.