Recently, sources have reported that Hopkins sophomore and erstwhile avid Greg Paulsen became so disillusioned with fantasy football that, in what he calls “a moment of supreme truth,” he in invented science fiction football.
Said Paulsen, “The first domino fell when I drafted Adrian Peterson back in August. Then, when he got suspended, I traded for Ray Rice to replace him. Then, when it became clear my team was not, per se, good, I got to thinking, and I found that there was just something – what’s the word?…. not ‘pretend’… maybe ‘counterfeit?’… ‘not-quite-100%-entirely-real?’ – about fantasy football. It somehow seemed unable to be the main source of meaning in my life… and then I had a scary thought: if fantasy football can’t give me a sense of pupose, then what possibly can?”
Sources told reporters that Paulsen’s loved ones urged him to take solace in family, friends, religion, or even real football. Paulsen, however, could not be consoled.
“That was a dark time for me. I tried a lot of things to pull me out – volunteering, painting, writing poetry – but they all just seemed empty without stopping every five minutes to check Peyton Manning’s stats…”
Soon, Paulsen had a breakthrough. “I was playing Settlers of Catan against myself, as I do every Friday night, and then suddenly, in a fit of inspiration, I found what I had been looking for, the only thing that could fill the hole in my heart: science fiction football.”
Paulsen then, between bouts of hyperventilating, explained to members of the press for five hours how to play, during which time every single reporter in the room played solitaire on their phones while pretending to listen.
Since his invention, things are going much better for Paulsen. “I’m really excited about me team. I have Aaron Rodgers, Jamaal Charles, Darth Vader, Doctor Who, the Seahawks defense, and the blue guy from Avatar.” Paulsen grinned and whispered, “But the best part is my wide receivers: Calvin Johnson AND Megatron!”
Paulsen did express concern about his next week’s opponent, whose line up consists of Rob Gronkowski, Drew Brees, Marshawn Lynch, Gandalf the White, ET, and Mr. Spock. His concerns were worsened when an injury to Jimmy Graham forced him to insert Jar Jar Binks into his line up. “At least Thor is on a bye week, or else he would run away with it, considering this week’s game takes place in Valhalla, which would give him home field advantage.”
Sources, however, reported that Paulsen was growing increasingly disenchanted with the pseudo-science and fictitiousness of science fiction football and was considering inventing romantic comedy football.