Early this morning, Johns Hopkins officials alerted the Black and Blue Jay that overnight and seemingly out of nowhere, Ron Daniels’ evil twin Don Daniels attacked and captured Olin Hall, Wyman Park Building, and the Crimean peninsula.
Don Daniels, perpetually taking revenge on his brother, did not act alone; he banded with other brothers. Eye witnesses report that Daniels was able to carry out this assault through his “foot soldiers/servants/gang/pals/party people,” in the form of ex-members of the fraternity Pike, who also have pledged vengeance against Hopkins president Ron Daniels for disbanding their fraternity last year.
After the reports of his conquest leaked, Don Daniels himself held a press conference. “Yes, yes I say to all you peddlers of rumors and chatter assembled before me, today: by wresting these buildings from my brother – and this Black Sea peninsula which is a major hub of shipping in and around Ukraine – I have enacted the first step in my plan to wrest Johns Hopkins from my insufferable brother. And I will not rest until I have wrested the rest!”
Daniels continued, “Would you like to know how I did it? To capture Olin hall, I snuck in late at night with an endangered Tonkin Snub-Nosed Monkey tied up in ropes. When the GECS majors and professors entered in the morning, I told them they must swear an oath of allegiance to me and my Pike boyz, or I would release the monkey into a climate different from his natural habitat. They bowed before me instantly.”
“Capturing the Wyman Park Building took significantly more guile,” Daniels continued, then got a wistfully nostalgic look in his eyes. “In my previous job, before I quit to pursue my dream of becoming a Supreme Overlord full-time, I was a greeter at a Denny’s. I was the best dang greeter that dang Denny’s had ever dang seen… I learned in that job that people, if you tell them what they want to hear, will never question you. I must have told trillions of people, ‘your waiter will be right with you,’ or, ‘here is our specials menu today.’ Did I ever mean it? Almost never. Did they ever question me? Rarely. So I thought to myself, ‘what do the doctors in Wyman Park Building want?’ Answer: sick people. So, I disguised my Pike brothaz as Ebola patients, and once they infiltrated the building, we drove everyone out by blasting house music over the PA system.”
When asked how he managed to conquer Crimea, a 10,000 square mile peninsula with a population of 2.4 million, Daniels simply replied, “My man Vlad P owes me one.”