Jealousy of Others’ Sex Lives Drives Student to Steal Every Free Condom on Campus

Since September, the once-brimming complimentary condom stations in the Brody restrooms have been consistently barren. Though initially passed off as the result of an abundance of normal, college sexual activity, Hopkins administrators deemed this “hard to believe,” and sparked an investigation. In a bout of perfect timing, a report of suspected theft was recently brought to BLC officials.

In a breaking new development in the case, sophomore Eugene Markowitz has come forth, literally, as the result of a hearty push by his two sexually frustrated roommates.

“Fine, I did it, okay?” said the five-foot-two Dungeon Master, rubbing his definitely-not-bruised arm. “All I want is to use the bathroom without having to think about how much sex I’m not having. I just—”

“We want our free condoms Eugene, come on,” sighed the roommates from outside the door.

The accused began harboring the condoms after being sexiled for an entire weekend when his roommates’ girlfriends came to visit. It was determined that he snuck into the restrooms before class each day, right after the condoms had been distributed, stealing the lot, and heading back to his dorm room in McCoy. Investigators did indeed find a tractor-sized pile of condoms in the bedroom (which did, in fact, take up most of the bedroom–COMMONS RULES).

“They don’t even use the glow in the dark ones to make lightsaber dicks,” said Markowitz to no one in particular.

Markowitz proceeded to empty his pockets of multicolored wrappers to Brody security. When asked where the actual condoms were, the Math Society president responded, “You’ll see, you’ll all see.”

In other news, the first annual Math Society balloon animal sale will be held this Thursday.

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