After visiting for Parents’ Weekend this Saturday, Walt Bradford, father of freshman Kevin Bradford, expressed his frustrations with his son. “I’m really disappointed in Kevin. I had high hopes that he would come out of his shell a little bit and find some good friends and interesting things to do, but he’s lame. A lame-o. He’s just a very uncool kid.”

Bradford says his disappointment developed upon witnessing his son’s apathy towards school sporting events, dislike for partying, and worsening StarCraft addiction. He also voiced concern for his son’s romantic life, saying, “He’s got no chance with the ladies. No chance. I mean, look at him. We gotta work on that.” He continued, “When I was in college, my version of an all-nighter was with a chick, not my chemistry book, that’s for sure. And has Kevin even thrown up on a girl in a frat basement yet? The kid has no life.”

He added: “You know, I was the big man on campus back in the day. Everybody knew my name. Fraternity brother. Third string defensive lineman. I had girls like crazy. Like crazy. Wish you guys could’ve seen the tits on Linda Lambert. Tits, man. I wonder what she’s up to nowadays. Miss those tits.” Bradford then gazed off solemnly into the distance, took a deep breath and stated he “[needed] a minute.”

At the end of his visit, Bradford was reportedly taking the lacrosse players in his son’s suite out to the dinner, intending to share sports stories and find a way to sneak into the frats later that night. Bradford stated, “Well, Kevin wanted to stay in. As the kids say, hashtag lame.”