Baltimore city officials held a press conference yesterday to announce that the long-time nickname “Charm City” was being changed to “Harm City” in order to better reflect the local culture. A city spokesperson told the press, “The nickname ‘Charm City’ will always be a meaningful part of this city’s rich history, but over the past several years it has simply lost touch with the current, very vibrant culture of this city: unlawfully inflicting physical, financial, and emotional harm on innocent victims. A nickname should reflect what’s at the core of a city, and to me, the injury and maltreatment of the good people of Baltimore is what makes this place home.”
Resident Carrie Johnson disapproves of the change saying, “I just don’t think its right to go changing a town’s nickname whenever you get tired of it or feel it’s inappropriate given the startling number of muggings and armed robberies that occur on a regular basis. I mean, where does it end? Before you know it, they’ll be changing ‘the Big Apple’ to ‘the Big Immigrant Taxi Driver’ and ‘the Motor City’ to ‘the Awful Place Where No One Would Willingly Go.’ It’s a very slippery slope.”
One supporter of the change is local criminal DaQuan Simmons. Simmons defended the change saying, “You know, I work hard every day, between the hours of 11:00 p.m. and 2:00 a.m., and after the long grind of attacking people and violently stealing their personal belongings it just really feels good to be recognized.”
He continued, “Forget about all the wallets and purses and phones: the most rewarding part of what I do is knowing that I am making a difference in my community. Not ‘giving back’ to my community per se, because, you know, I steal things, but definitely making a difference. And this name change attests to that.”
At press time, city officials also announced plans to change the motto on local benches from “The Greatest City in America” back to “The City That Reads” and let the vandals do the rest.