Basic White Girls Disappointed by Brody Café’s Lack of Pumpkin Spice Lattes

The usually quiet study area of the BLC café was disrupted as a stampede of Ugg boots trudged into the Brody Learning Common’s Café on October 10.  The white girls wearing these boots, as well as leggings and layered infinity scarves, were outraged to find a vital item missing from the extensive coffee menu: the Pumpkin Spice Latte.

“I literally can’t even,” sophomore Jessica Parker said. “It’s already October. Starbucks had their P-Spice out in September and I’ve been making it myself from my Keurig since August.”

Sophomore Jenny Frank remarked to her friend, “Actually, they have the pumpkin spice chai and pumpkin spice white mocha here, but all I want is a freaking latte! Ridic.”

This massive scene consisted of Parker and Frank and their 15 closest BFFs. The girls claimed that fall was only complete with the seasonal taste of pumpkin spice latte.

“What else are we supposed to drink while we pick apples and take pics of the leaves outside of Gilman?” sophomore Marissa James said. “It’s the perf beverage.”

All of the ladies notified their Twitter followers of the disaster. In less than five minutes, #PumpkinSpice4Lyfe and #VitaminPdeficiency were trending topics.

“This is def a scandal,” sophomore Sara Jones said. “It’s just like that scene in Mean Girls when the entire school goes totally crazy.”

Besides the drink menus, the girls also noted the lack of pumpkin spice in everything from muffins to brownies, trail mix, napkins and forks.

“There aren’t even any cute fall decorations. Don’t these people ever go on Pinterest?” Parker said.

As of press time, the basic white girls plan to organize a petition to increase the seasonal options, notably by stocking free pumpkin spice condoms in the library bathrooms.

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