Abandoned Infant Found Where Giant Sunflower Patch Used to Be

Reports indicate that early this morning campus groundskeepers discovered an abandoned infant in the giant sunflower patch between Latrobe and Ames. Groundskeeper Donny Macgregor, the first to find the child, said, “I was just collecting trash like I do every day and I ran across it.  I almost threw it away at first because I thought it was a to-go box from the FFC with a cantaloupe or a honeydew melon on top of it.  Then I remembered that the FFC doesn’t serve whole melons, and that’s when I knew it had to be a human baby.”

News of the six-month-old baby boy being found in a highly-trafficked area of campus has spread rapidly.  Junior Luke Jennings said, “Yeah, its funny, I walk right past there to go to Macro every other day, and recently I had noticed kind of an unusual amount of really shrill crying.  I guess the fact that there was a cold, terrified, presumably starving baby lying helplessly among the sunflowers explains it though.  Mystery solved.  Cool.”

Sources report that the baby has been shipped to the lost and found in Remington in the hope that it is claimed during this month, citing school policy that “all lost property is kept for thirty days and then is donated or destroyed.”

At press time, reports indicate that the investigation in to the child’s background, which was assigned to a security guard who didn’t look like he had anything better to do, has been delayed by the finding of a pair of twins in the steam tunnels.

UPDATE: As of 10/1/14 the giant sunflower patch has been taken down by school administration. Rest in peace, strangely large and oddly placed bed of flowers.

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