Secret Classes the Registrar Doesn’t Want You To Know About [Not Clickbait]

Course registration is around the corner, and the registrar has released some new classes that you’re sure to find (intellectually) stimulating. Here are our favorite picks.

Mansplaining for Alpha Males

You probably don’t know what mansplaining is. That’s fine. I wouldn’t expect you to. But this class puts it in terms you understand, and gives you the tools to show clueless chicks on campus how much of an intellectual titan you are. We are a cancel-culture-free classroom.

How to Recreate FFC Food at Home

Are you an upperclassman who misses FFC Food? This course will teach you how to recreate FFC staples like our moisture-free grilled chicken, cooked in indirect sunlight and sprayed with DEET. You must have valid health insurance to register.

Things Not To Put Up Your Ass

Taught for free by the emergency room physicians of Union Memorial Hospital. Guest lectures by HERO will cover how to avoid ass trauma and how to properly lubricate your foreign objects. 10 seats are reserved for adventurous Elmo brothers, assuming they can even sit down.

Freshman Seminar: Elements of Frat House Design

Learn how to seduce girls with red LED lights, American flags, and Saturdays Are For the Boys posters. You will be evaluated by the stickiness of your floors and careful attention to details like stray pubes and the lingering smell of Natty Bos. Final project will be making a meal that tastes the way Old Spice smells.

Intermediate TikTok Dances

Learn how to throw it back and make your asscheeks clap. You must have the bodily coordination of an unhinged adolescent and demonstrate mastery of the Cotton Eyed Joe and/or the WAP dance. Prereq: must be verified on TikTok

Rocks for Jocks: Dwayne Johnson Edition

It’s about drive, it’s about power. We stay hungry, we devour. Put in the work, put in the hours, and take what’s ours. Black and Samoan in my veins, my culture bangin’ with strange. I change the game, so what’s my motherfuckin’ name? Rock!


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