We’ve all poked fun at the Fresh Food Café for its moldy bread and expired milk, but a recent court decision has sealed the dining hall’s fate forever. In one of its only ethical decisions in the last month, the Supreme Court struck down Johns Hopkins University’s ability to advertise its meals as “fresh” or “food”, leading to a complete rebranding. Say toodaloo to FFC and welcome its cooler, stronger, sexier, chad little brother: Hopkins Café.
Our team here at BNBJ was extremely aroused by the news*. We asked JHU lawyer Randy Smallwood to elaborate on the name change.
“It’s simple, it’s bland, it’s the perfect name! No claims, no promises. It states that it’s Hopkins and implies the presence of food. What more could people want?”
Although we hope the name change comes with more nutritional value and less shitting our brains out, we’d be lying if we said we wouldn’t miss the thrill of walking through those metal doors unsure of what parasites we’d be leaving with. We’d like to formally thank the Fresh Food Café for being the butt of half of our jokes and the joke on half of our butts (re: shitting brains out) for so many years.
Hopkins Café? You’re next. Get ready to have your head swirlied and your lunch money stolen.
*Like our curiosity was aroused okay it’s not like I’m rocked up for HopCaf right now and even if I was you couldn’t prove it anyways