Drooling Over Swim Coach’s Sweet Cheeks Leads to Sickening Discovery

Have you ever wondered where your drool goes after you take a COVID test? Or where they got all that ice for the ice rink? The answer may be closer to you than you think, especially if you like to swim.

Everyone knows swimmers have weak game, but when a Hepatitis C outbreak ravaged the JHU swim team, the Black and Blue Jay’s Bodily Fluid Task Force was on the case. Their strategy of watching Buzzfeed Unsolved and guessing fluid type from mouthfeel alone was ultimately unsuccessful, until one member stumbled across a peculiar Craigslist listing.

“Not gonna lie, I was just looking for Milton S. Eisenhower’s secret strap-on, but something about the listing for 280 gallons of college student saliva from user ‘John H. Opkins’ caught my eye.”

We found that the listing coincided with the beginning of the Hep C outbreak, and we’d been wondering what they did with all that COVID test saliva, but most damning was the swim coach’s unmistakable left asscheek in the corner of the photo. The legendary Tub was the JHU pool.

Student Bradley Fish, a victim of the outbreak, was asked for his feelings on the situation.

“Why did it have to be Hep C? I was hoping for Hep A but I would’ve taken a Hep B+…I just want to get into med school.”

Student Barney Noble, however, was less upset about the discovery of the Tub.

“I’ve never had a problem swapping spittle with the boys. Honestly, the new swimming roux has me gliding like an eel. I think I’m gonna keep experimenting with other viscous fluids to try to beat my PRs!”

The swim team captain insisted on an alternate explanation for the outbreak.

“I got it from this super hot broad, I swear! She just goes to Towson. You wouldn’t know her.”

The swim team coach refused to comment, but he assured us that his ass is much larger than the one pictured in the Craigslist ad. His only sickness, he maintains, is his thiccness.

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