You’re sitting in lecture and feel a vibration simmering deep within. Are your insides telling you to procreate? Doubtful — everyone nearby looks like a World-of-Warcraft player. Are you famished? No — you just wolfed down a tray of fries from the FFC. The rumble could only mean one thing: a gust of gas knocking on your sphincter’s door. 

But fear not! Behold, nine peer-reviewed destinations in which to safely* detonate. 

* The Black and Blue Jay cannot guarantee the well-being of any animal or plant life in the vicinity of your colonic cloud. Some people are beyond help.

9. Nolan’s at 5 PM. Hear me out. Logicians may scowl at this prescription; a fart should require the avoidance of people, which directly contradicts the act of heading to a crowded facility. However, the decibels of human clatter and chatter here will likely overpower the shrieking bong that is your toot. No one will smell the difference between today’s dinner and yours from yesterday.

8. The bathroom at Charles Village Potbelly. Not only is this a single stall, but it sits approximately 0.2 miles from the Homewood gates. Plus, barricades like 9East provide plenty of rich-kid fodder to protect poor souls on campus. All this to say, if you select this spot, chances are your sneeze-of-the-bottom will not reach Malone hall and poison your beloved profs. 

7. Smack dab in the center of Brody. While not the most discreet place, everyone enjoys the distraction of a little trumpetussy interlude when studying. Your collegiate fellows might applaud. Better yet, they may flee, yielding a quieter space to study by yourself.

6.  Anywhere in the Peabody School of Music. Who doesn’t want a scholarship? Your opus showcases syncopation, melodic originality, and hearty timbres. Stun the experts, and let ‘er rip!

5. Keyser Quad. Cold is the winter, and toasty are your fumes. Save money, toss your coat, and soak up that sweltering methane. 

4. The skating rink. With your gust propelling you forward, you’ll set the world record for speed skating. Your internationally-recognized accomplishment will push JHU’s U.S. News ranking to #8, and Daddy Daniels will be the first (and probably last) dad you’ve ever made proud. Woosh!!!

3. NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory. This one’s in California, but it’s worth the trip. Physicists will marvel at the sheer G-forces generated by your ass-rippage. Engineers will design jet turbines after your large intestine. The women of Hidden Figures will turn over in their graves.

2. Inside the Blue Jay costume. Spare others the odor while repping your institution and transforming its mascot into an aviating wonder. Fly, birdie, fly!

1. No geographic parameters: bag your fart in a ziplock, and unleash a lil’ whiff into every room in every building. You will defeat the Coronavirus – it will run in terror, far, far, away from the nauseating, creature-killing scent of your torturous tush. You will simultaneously become the most popular specimen at JHU and the Antichrist. Then, and only then, will it be possible (and I only mean possible) that you’ll have enough social capital to attract the attention of a female. And if you’re truly lucky, maybe you’ll even lock eyes with that World-of-Warcraft cutie in your genetics class 😉