What to Expect If You Don’t Vote

  1. Forgetting your mask every time you leave the house
  2. Inconvenient, insatiable boners in the produce aisle
  3. Zoom freezing at an unflattering angle during a presentation
  4. Never taking another satisfying shit for the rest of your life
  5. Always having a popcorn kernel stuck in your teeth but you’ll never be able to find it by moving your tongue around so you’ll decide to floss for the first time in months but even then it’s still stuck so you’ll have to accept that the kernel is a part of you now sorry I don’t make the rules
  6. The ketchup bottle queefing every time you use it
  7. Needing 5 tries to plug your USB charger in the right way
  8. Taking an exam with an unmuted mic when your parents walk in to ask why you clogged the toilet again
  9. Parents who remain disappointed in you for not going to Harvard
  10. Finding the show Friends funny
  11. A perpetually congested left nostril
  12. Your phone on 1% battery after you plugged it in the night before
  13. Losing the rest of your already minimal sex appeal
  14. Becoming dylsecix
  15. Your fly will be down all the time and it’ll never be charming
  16. God descending from heaven to spank you for not doing your civic duty
  17. YouTube videos with two, 30-second unskippable ads about the sad ASPCA puppies. Will you help them today? $19 a month is all it takes to give an animal the chance to feel safe and loved. Please, don’t let them wait any longer. Take action right now and donate just 63 cents a day. Your gift will rescue animals and save lives. And as our thanks, we’ll send you the photo of a rescued animal and an ASPCA tote bag. Call now.

Seriously though — vote!! Make your family proud (finally).

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