On Wednesday, the University lied to parents in a statement saying that there was no known case of coronavirus on campus. In reality, they just didn’t know who had it. A brave Black and Blue Jay reporter wiretapped Ronny D’s Siri. He was found to have recently asked: “What is coronavirus,” “Coronavirus cure,” and “Budlite-virus?” Later, the university released a statement for students: “just get some sleep, drink some orange juice, and for once, please wash your hands.”
Students were concerned with the university’s lax approach. As a result, multiple public health majors decided to take their world class education and save the university. Freshman Public Health major Sal Manella, fresh out of Intro to Public Health, proposed a radical solution to the impending crisis: “If we infect everyone with anthrax, no one will die of coronavirus. Or at the very least, the anthrax and coronavirus will fight each other to the death and we’ll be fine.”
Another vigilante public health major decided to take action. Ethan Coli cultured his roommate’s phlegm and miraculously developed a “vaccine” for the coronavirus. He told the Black and Blue Jay: “I’ve been squirting my roommate’s fluids throughout McCoy all day long. By now, I’ve vaccinated at least my entire floor. Do you want some?” As the reporter backed away several feet, Ethan declared: “Now that I’m making my fellow public health majors proud, maybe the neuro majors will stop shitting on us.” As he basked in his heroism, he remarked that his roommate is “basically the new Henrietta Lacks.”
Sophomore Cici Phyllis, after witnessing the devastation of last year’s Hand-Foot-Mouth epidemic, has decided to capitalize on the situation. After receiving a grant from Idea Lab, she went to every CVS within a 50 mile radius and bought every sanitary product she could. She set up a black market in the steam tunnels for any student interested. She charges $30 for a pack of tissues, $50 for a bottle of Purell, and $100 for a pack of industrial face masks, but the Hello Kitty themed pack is only an extra $20. A steal!
Meanwhile, a Black and Blue Jay reporter went to Student Health and Wellness to interview the physicians for their wisdom. Unfortunately, the employees of HellWell had barricaded themselves in the building. The note on the door read: “Fuck off. We don’t want coronavirus either.”