SOHOP Kid Steps on Gilman Seal; University In Chaos

Accepted student Tripp Wallace caused a scandal today when he accidentally stepped onto the famed Hopkins seal in Gilman Hall. Mobile alerts were sent out to every member of the University community within seconds, causing a miniature panic across Charles Village. Blinking premeds emerged from the depths of D Level, only to scurry into the steam tunnels as raid sirens sounded across campus.   

Ron Daniels was seen boarding a helicopter as the Homewood area descended into chaos, along with five decoy Ron Danielses in five other helicopters. The real one’s current location is unknown, but he is rumored to be heading to Costa Rica to set up its first fully mobilized military. Generous political donations have already been wired to “Mayor” Catherine Pugh’s personal checking account with the note, “Please fix this.”

Still unaware he had done anything wrong, Wallace was crossing the quad when he was apprehended by the FFC Blue Jay. Due to a special emergency protocol, the Blue Jay statue is programmed to come alive if the seal is ever stepped on. The Blue Jay was last seen dragging Wallace towards the one place from which no student has ever returned: Olin Hall.

Oxygen masks were also seen shooting out of JCards across the university. Students were added to an enormous GroupMe, where they were assured that oxygen would be flowing from their JCards even though the bag may not inflate. The instructions went on to say, “Make sure to follow Hopkins Dining on Facebook!”

As the mayhem continued, the Black and Blue Jay received a tip that Tripp Wallace has decided to attend Northwestern University in the fall. Go Wildcats?

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