Sorority Mafia Plagues Campus

The Black and Blue Jay’s Investigative Team recently delved into Hopkins’ seedy underbelly of crime and intimidation: sororities. What we found was shocking to say the least, and many of us now fear for our safety in relaying this information to you.

Sororities at Johns Hopkins engage in a pattern of violence and carefully curated Instagram posts. We have uncovered numerous accounts of identity fraud, including one of freshman Abby Danson, who discovered a disturbing account named “Nottooshabby Myperfectlittleabby” which included pictures that, according to her, aren’t even on social media. In a private interview with us, Abby said, “They had one photo of me on my flight back home to Nebraska. Through the plane window!”

Abby also reported to us that after returning from Intro Chem II she discovered her roommate gagged and bound. Her bed and carpet her irreversibly covered in glitter and underneath her covers, she found the severed head of a stuffed animal. Abby also found sticky notes plastering her room. Some of them read: “Can’t wait to finally meet you!” “Good luck on your tests this week <3” and “Your hair smells so delicious when you sleep :)”.

Some sorority gangs have been known to track their little’s whereabouts and send a horde of harmonizing Beta brothers to jump them outside Brody Cafe when they’re not expecting it. Other witnesses have seen iced coffee drive-bys after girl-dates in Bird in Hand. We even have unconfirmed reports of an upperclassmen threateningly tapping a bottle of rose against her palm outside AMR II.

The Black and Blue Jay reached out to the Director of Greek Life, Kevin Harris: the brave man spearheading the effort against this scourge on our community. After pulling out an immaculately organized binder and foaming at the mouth, he said, “I am three hundred and fifty three steps into my two thousand and three step plan to crush Greek Life on this campus. Sororities have eluded me for too long.”

We also reached out to a Grand-Big nicknamed “The God-Big” for comment. She said, “You come to me… on the day of my grand-little’s reveal… and ask me for a favor?” She added, “Kevin, be warned. Fraternities are weak, but sororities are strong. You can do anything you like… but you can never go against the #pham.”

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