What To Expect When The Student Center Is Completed In April, 2047

Following a well-attended silent vigil on the Beach for students’ respect for Ron Daniels, it was announced that a student center will be built on campus sometime in the next 70 business years. Administration celebrated the announcement by playing music so loud they have technically already broken ground for the project. Here’s what current students’ grandchildren can expect from the new facility.

  1. Three chairs, total (not the cushioned kind)
  2. A cafe that resells Bird in Hand pastries stolen the day before
  3. A TV that only plays CSPAN 3 – Español
  4. No art classrooms or facilities– that would be crazy!
  5. A mural depicting Mr. Johns Hopkins handing stacks of money to ICE officers
  6. “Open-air” dance studio on the roof
  7. Disability Services Office (third floor, past the turnstiles, over the pit of spikes, through the car wash, on your left)
  8. One (1) music practice room reserved through a lottery system
  9. Nap pods that are always a little sticky
  10. A Shabbat elevator that can’t be taken out of “Shabbat mode” #inclusivitywin!
  11. An uneven table… like a really wobbly one
  12. A bunch of ramps that lead to nowhere, in memory of Mattin Center
  13. A reimbursement office for student groups staffed by a Writing Sems major who can’t subtract and a Chem major who can’t read
  14. Trophy cases of ballistic missiles JHU has designed
  15. Arby’s
  16. A vending machine of antidepressants that only accepts Dining Dollars
  17. An executive lounge reserved for private police officers
  18. A giant birdcage containing the Blue Jay mascot
  19. Ten statues of Michael Bloomberg in different classical poses (made by MICA students for course credit)
  20. Bamboo Cafe, exactly as it always was

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