Sophomore housing selections are fast approaching, and hierarchies have emerged overnight. While basking in the glory of the Commons suites that await them, some lucky students will never feel the bitter sting of a dead-last time slot. But for the rest of you wretched plebeians, prospects look grim. Never fear: The Black and Blue Jay is here with twenty fool-proof suggestions about what to do.

1. Drop out of Hopkins
2. Summon the devil and trade your soul and valuable kidneys for a sweet, sweet 2pm slot
3. Demolish McCoy so no one can live there
4. Petition the SGA to eliminate the lottery system forever and then to disband
5. Pick the lock on Hop Inn; drag a mattress in there; avoid ghosts
6. Start looking for a hookup who’s definitely getting Commons… #perks
7. Ride the JHMI to no end: the Express is your home now
8. Crash the hopkins wifi network until 5:58 pm
9. Befriend the jerk in your hall with the 2pm time slot; break his fingers so he can’t use the computer
10. Become the overlord of the rats in the steam tunnels
11. Get pregnant now so you and your child get a 2-bedroom next year (worth it!)
12. Build a yurt in the President’s Garden
13. Trade the time slot to a person who wants McCoy, like, a weird amount
14. Apply for medical accommodations due to your glass bones and paper skin
15. Re-apply to Hopkins as a freshman; request Wolman
16. Juul into the Commons smoke detectors so the whole building floods
17. Do the Hopkins Challenge continuously, all year, so you technically never need a bed
18. Dig a really deep hole on the Beach; decorate your new hovel
19. String a hammock between the moving bookshelves on D Level
20. Accept your fate; we all know you live in Brody anyway.