Finally following through on his supposed commitment to the humanities, University President Ron Daniels announced this morning that effective immediately, all Hopkins students will be required to double-major in Writing Seminars.

“This is a totally reasonable way to promote the humanities without increasing their funding at all,” said Daniels. 4,392 students and $0 will be added to the Writing Seminars department under this change.

Early reports show that class sizes will increase to 50-70 students per grad student teacher, and will be held in various lecture halls and the greenhouse. IFP will start at 5:45am and last until everyone’s story is workshopped, goddamnit.

The Black and Blue Jay sat in on one of these marathon lecture sessions. The class started with yet another explanation of what a “metaphor” is before moving into the workshop period.

Despite sharing a class with 73 other students, sophomore Joey Reed received no comments at all on his poem about banging his high school History teacher on the night of his eighteenth birthday. “I guess the STEM majors aren’t ready to appreciate true art,” he said.

Thirteen stories about a “handsome, award-winning scientist” being “forced to take a writing class” were also turned in during the class session.

Many STEM double majors are not happy about the recent change. “I’ve literally never had to compare anything to any other thing,” said junior compsci major Ellen McDermott. “The exhaustion I feel from this class is like stopping in the woods on a snowy evening with miles to go before I sleep.”

STEM students are organizing protests outside Garland Hall to reverse Daniels’ decision: many were seen this afternoon waving colorful add/drop forms angrily at the building, because they lack the artistic skill to make real posters.

Meanwhile, med schools around the country have released statements saying they will be ecstatic to finally receive incoming medical students who know how to write a Petrarchan sonnet.