We at the Black and Blue Jay want you to have the sexiest Valentine’s Day possible. That’s why we sent our freshman reporter, Ligma Balls, out to find the best hookup spots on campus. Ligma’s rating is based on a variety of criteria, including comfort, privacy, historical significance, and the status of his parents’ impending divorce.

AMR I gender neutral bathroom – 8/10
Comfort: 9/10, very spacious.
Privacy: 10/10, the door locks, and the small window is thrilling.
Historical significance: 6/10, I love thinking about all the gender neutral people who have gotten a bad handjob in here over the centuries.
Status of Parents’ Impending Divorce: Mom texted me ‘hey sweetie, we need to talk.’

Wolman Movie Theatre – 5/10
Comfort: 10/10, padded seats!
Privacy: 2/10, too many padded seats.
Historical significance: 2/10, nope.
Status of Parents’ Impending Divorce: Dad sent me a sad face emoji.

Commons Ballroom C – 7/10
Comfort:  6/10, the rug burn hurts so good…
Privacy: 8/10, besides the entire business frat, no one was there!
Historical significance: 2/10, only the stains in the carpet suggested any history.
Status of Parents’ Impending Divorce: Mom tried facetiming me here.

Commons Ballroom A – 3/10
Comfort: 2/10, rug burn was worse.
Privacy: 1/10, no business frat 😦
Historical significance: 3/10, a few more stains, thanks to me!
Status of Parents’ Impending Divorce: Picked up my mom’s facetime and could hear my dad dry heaving in the background.

Behind the counter at Insomnia Cookies – 10/10
Comfort: 10/10, smells great!
Privacy: 10/10, the workers are very discreet and helpful!
Historical significance: 10/10, community staple!
Status of Parents’ Impending Divorce: I drowned my sadness in cookies ;(

Brody Study Room 2003 – 3/10
Comfort: 1/10, too sweaty, smelled bad, but the squirt bottle came in handy.
Privacy: 2/10, my Spanish group project partners were there??? 
Historical significance: 5/10, despite being only a couple years old, it has the alluring ancient smell of an old Italian man.
Status of Parents’ Impending Divorce: My dad called to ask which holidays I wanted to see him.

Martial Arts Room in the Gym – 9/10
Comfort: 6/10, kind of a long walk.
Privacy: 10/10, STEM students are afraid of anything called an “art.”
Historical significance: 8/10, the history of martial arts is varied and fascinating. Kama Sutra counts, right?
Status of Parents’ Impending Divorce: Dad called again and asked if I thought he was a real man.

The Outhouse – 7/10
Comfort: 1/10, smells like literal shit, just like my life.
Privacy: 10/10, no one cums in here, except me, right now.
Historical significance: 10/10, ancient and abandoned just like my parents’ marital bed.
Status of Parents’ Impending Divorce: My mom says we won’t have enough money for tuition after she pays the divorce lawyer.

Mudd 26 Lecture Theatre – 7/10
Comfort: 3/10, after hearing Dad cry over the phone about how Mom is taking the dog, I can’t feel anything anymore.
Privacy: 10/10, the loneliness of my mind is impenetrable.
Historical significance: 8/10, lasted longer than my parents’ marriage.
Status of Parents’ Impending Divorce: My sister is excited about two Christmases.