Ron Daniels addressed the Johns Hopkins University student body last week to announce the purchase of a new Johns Hopkins location.
“I’m proud to announce a new international opportunity for our SAIS graduate students; we have recently purchased a brand new campus,” he said. “It may take several months for us to refurbish it and relocate those within. The existing personnel have generously offered to relocate to Australia against their will.
I am told that almost all the renovations will be completed soon, however due to New Zealand’s vast sheep population it could take years or even decades to completely remove them. Instead, we have elected to incorporate them into the SAIS curriculum. A minimum of 20% of Johns Hopkins professors will now be sheep or sheep-identifying.”
His comments were met with widespread concern as students wondered about the connection between sheep and the Newseum. Daniels elaborated, “With this purchase we are vastly expanding our presence in the international community. I assure you that all students on campus will have an opportunity to tour the Hobbiton, the Lord of the Rings set. I for one am excited to feel like a big strong man in the presence of such tiny structures.”
At this point in the speech a frantic advisor rushed onto the stage and whispered something into Daniels’s ear. Daniels nodded vehemently, and threw off his New Zealand rugby cap.
“I have just been informed, that we did not, in fact, purchase the entire country of New Zealand. My bad,” he said. “Instead we have purchased the modest, yet noteworthy Newseum in Washington D.C. A sheep-centered curriculum will be revisited in the near future, though, because we may have already invested 16 million dollars in sheep paddocks.”