Dear Student Activities Commission,

We are honored to accept your generous budget of $0 for the 2018-19 academic year. However, after a comprehensive review involving many difficult decisions, the Black and Blue Jay executive board has decided to pay your gift forward. In the spirit of a benevolence surpassed only by your own, we have unanimously voted to donate the entirety of our 2018-19 budget back to the University administration. We hope this amount will provide a nice foundation for your organization; one that you can supplement with grants, fundraising, and donations.

We hope that this gift will help promote the many initiatives to which we know the University is committed. For your convenience, we have compiled a sample budgeting sheet to facilitate your spending process.

• Not divesting from fossil fuels: $0
• Ignoring student concerns about the private police force: $0
• Rejecting proposals for arts funding: $0
• Sending more emails about hand-foot-mouth disease: $0
• Rescinding students’ financial aid and pocketing the cash: $0 (on paper! 😉 )
• Not expanding the counseling center: $0
• Obsessively refreshing the homepage of the U.S. News and World Report: $0
• Using student organizations for University marketing materials but not funding them: $0

We know how much you value input from students like us, so we hope you find this handy check-sheet helpful.

As a reminder, you are now responsible for reviewing and following the Black and Blue Jay Monetary Gift Guidelines. Please be sure to send no fewer than three officers to our mandatory financial training meetings, held in the steam tunnels under Macaulay Hall at 7:45am, every time you wish to dip into this budget. For reimbursements, please visit our petty cash office located on the 7th floor of Gilman Hall between 1:02am and 1:06am every other October 12th.  

The Black and Blue Jay appreciates that you’ve been eagerly awaiting our decision on how much of our own money we want to generously bestow back upon you. We know you are busy diligently responding to reports of sexual assault on campus, so we thank you for finding the time to read this email. We hope that this $0 gift will serve to advance the operations of your valuable organization for years to come.

Satirically yours,

The Black and Blue Jay