Later today, with a whole 23 tickets sold, The HOP is hosting the long-awaited Jam! (And no, unfortunately not the viscous fruit puree, but instead a small group of disappointing performers.) We got the full spread of the HOP’s last resorts, all of whom declined to participate, or were found to not actually exist.

People who said no to JAM:

• Every single acapella group – Even the shitty ones.
• Chainsmokers – “Once was enough.”
• Literal Chainsmokers – A group of 60 year old women we found outside of Gilman. We even offered to pay for their lung cancer treatment. “There aren’t enough menthols in the world, darlin.”
• Pep Band – They wanted to be paid with respect, but that couldn’t be guaranteed.
• We the Kings – “We partied way too hard with Beta last year.”
• Akon – He’s been saying no every year since 2003.
• Akorns ft. squirrelex – This concert would have been nuts.
• Ms. Gladys – “Please swipe again.”
• Jeb! – He actually made several requests, The HOP actually said no to him.
• The preacher outside Charmar – “Those kids are beyond salvation.”
• Rebecca Black – “But the concert is on Saturday.”
• Robert Delong – Who?
• Robert DiNiro – Who they meant to ask and is an up and coming performer, he said “no.”
• Peanut butter – “No, we’re not shmucks, even if we are Shmuckers…”