Administration to Do Away with Covered Grades, All Regard for Student Body

In what is being called “the dumbest thing the administration has ever done, and that’s saying something,” an announcement was made today to students stating that covered grades will no longer be in place for students matriculating in Fall 2017. Covered grades refers to the current Hopkins policy in which first-year fall semester grades are permanently withheld from anyone outside the university to help students adjust to college life. “We’ve decided to do away covered grades because we just don’t listen to the students,” said administrative spokesperson Mark Osmond. “If we had, we would have realized all they ever do is complain about how much work they have.”

The decision was made certain when the administration realized that if it was going to fully pretend to be an Ivy, it had to drop covered grades. On this, Osmond said, “I saw Harvard and Princeton didn’t have covered grades, so we shouldn’t have covered grades.” When asked if Hopkins was also going to adopt the Ivy league’s famous grade inflation, Osmond replied, “Haha…no.”

“We could have dealt with mental health problems or diversity, but we’d rather make an issue out of something no one had a problem with,” Osmond continued. “Instead of doing a half-assed job to accommodate students, we’ve decided to say ‘fuck it’ and not even try. But at least we’re still keeping sterling brunch until 2020!”

The announcement was closed with Hopkins restating its commitment to Baltimore, with Osmond adding, “whatever that means.” When asked how removing covered grades would affect the students, he replied, “We prefer the term ‘walking tuition checks.'”

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