Health and Wellness Center to Move Farther From Campus to Separate the Weak from The Strong

With winter approaching, JHU administration has announced that the Student Health and Wellness Center will be moved from 31st Street to the campus of Towson University. The announcement provoked great controversy in the student body, particularly when a spokesperson for HelWell disclosed the move was made to “separate the frail from the lively.”

“Flu season is upon us, and we feel the best way to deal with the rising number of sick students is to naturally select the fittest among them and leave the rest to fade into the cold,” said HelWell director Eli Pottsman.

“We realize our original location on 31st Street was seen as an inconvenience by most students and we thought the best way to handle the complaints from these testy little bitches was to move our facilities far enough that the meekest and bitchiest of them all could not be heard in the howling winter wind.

“If you’re a lacrosse player with an itch down there and you need an STD test, you’ll be fine! Our new location is just a scooter ride away,” Pottsman said. “But if you’re a nerd with a sinus infection, you’re out of luck. Sorry!”

Following the announcement, many students expressed disgust at health services being removed from campus. The new Towson location, however, has been well received by premeds who are reportedly “looking for ways to raise the curve.”

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