Johns Hopkins offering tuition refund for anyone willing to take FFC devil home for Thanksgiving

Johns Hopkins University has announced that it will give any student who is willing to bring home the FFC Blue Jay for Thanksgiving break their fall 2015 tuition back. President Ron Daniels said, “this decision has come from student complaints of mysterious, satanic events since the installation of the beloved sculpture. For example, many matriculants have reported their computers – and therefore dreams – crashing when trying to register for classes.” Although the university has not officially said that the statue is demonic, various faculty have linked these strange occurrences to the newly installed gigantic bird. Chemistry professor Melanie Schwartz reported that “in [her] professional opinion as a scientist and her personal opinion as an avid ghost hunter, it is certain that some devil, dybbuk, ghoul, or vestige of an angry spirit resides in that bird. I mean, what else could kill curves in my class as much as that? Game of Thrones on Netflix? I think not.” Students have been quite frightened to take the possessed blue jay home. Junior Charles Patterman said that he “would never take home the devil. My parents would freak out at the types of events that are happening here – lacrosse players get to class almost on time, it’s 60 degrees in November, it can only be that demon.” Local Ouija board specialists are concerned that with the absence of students over which to spread Satan’s avian havoc, and warn that the concentration of evil per capita may be dangerously high. Many of them have speculated that “when you all get back, the international students may or may not look like they came from The Exorcist.” Students were unconcerned since “at least the D-Level students wouldn’t be visibly effected.”

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