Freshman Marcus McCoy has been stamped with an unspoken ban from every fraternity house on campus.  Such swift and violent consequences have many asking: Why is this supposedly innocent first-year is being excommunicated? Reports say, it’s because he’s lame. He’s lame as hell.

Upon arriving at a party at the Phi Kappa Psi house last Saturday night, McCoy was offered beers, shots, “bombs”, chugs, and even wine coolers. The weak-ass freshman was cited as rejecting these offers of alcohol, and instead, inquiring of one brother [who wishes to remain anonymous]: “Where the snacks at?”

As more reports surfaced, it was determined that Phi Psi was not the only house hit. One report stated that the noob quickly tried to diffuse the situation, maintaining that he was “just super high, bro”, and proceeded to ransack the kitchen of Sigma Chi as well as several other fraternity houses throughout the night. Suspicions were unanimous that McCoy was not at all high, but was just, in fact, “looking for some snackies.”

Among the stolen items were pizza bagels, sausage links, hot dog buns, baby carrots, tahini, a honey baked ham, onion rings, a Fudgy the Whale, frozen peas, “a whole mess ‘a Cheez Nips”, and a box of matzah from AEPi.

Asked for comment on possible legal recourse in this matter, Baltimore Police officer Lucas Kelly stated “these fraternities leave their houses open to anybody three or four nights a week, some food is bound to go missing. They just need to understand that hungry freshmen are part of the game.”